I Am What I Am

Hello beloveds,

It is my joy to join the RCWMS team in the capacity of Theologian in Residence. As I consider an initial post in this new role I recalled the claim of Cuban American theologian Ada María Isasi-Díaz who stated that “all theology starts with self-disclosure.” In other words, it’s disingenuous to engage in “God-talk” without doing a bit of self-talk. If I’m being honest, describing myself has been difficult at times because descriptions feel like containers that do not allow for expansion and evolution. Yet, I believe deeply in the words of black, lesbian, mother warrior, poet Audre Lorde who once said that “If I did not define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies of me and eaten alive.” I know that self-definition matters, and it often requires meaningful self-reflection. Allow me space and grace to practice both and I invite you to practice the same.

I am a daughter born in the piedmont region of South Carolina to a black man who spoke few words but believed in the transcendent power of music. Music continues to connect us as he is now a beloved ancestor. I am the daughter of a black woman with a bodacious laugh that lights up any room. A woman who taught me to never allow trauma to rob you of the capacity to see life through the lenses of levity. I come from grandmothers who used their creativity to clean homes they did not own, used their ingenuity to prepare gourmet meals for church congregations, and expressed their gratitude for creation through gardening the land.  I come from aunties, uncles, a sister-cousin who teaches me how to approach life with adventure and tenacity, and a baby brother who is stubborn like no other. I come from the black church that has loved me into being even when it has struggled and wrestled with how to love who I am daily becoming.

I am a student of black teachers who taught that reading can be a gateway into new worlds beyond the small town I often felt trapped in. The student of a principal who mesmerized me as a child by wearing the best smelling perfume and the fanciest clothes, modeling what it meant to lead with both gentility and tenderness. The student of college professors who pushed me to think critically at a small women’s college. I come from a pastor who picked up the youth in his congregation after school and would transform a run-down church van into a time machine. With the power of imagination, he led our travels to Egypt, Turkey, Haiti, and Bangladesh. As we were formed to love Christ, we were also taught to be lovers of culture and to stay curious about the traditions of others. I come from a mentor who died way too soon but in 31 years of life taught me so much introducing me to Bonhoeffer, Thurman, and the necessity of theological education.

I am the auntie of 3 beautiful black boys and a part of the village of so many others. Black elders told me that children are a sign that the Divine will not give up on us. Now the joy of our world is in the smile of Zian. Ethan teaches me that hugs can still heal. Miles is simply miles ahead. I’m convinced he’s orbiting here for the second time. I come from a chosen family who has formed circles of love and care around me. Driving me from Brooklyn to Burlington. Sharing cigars and drinking bourbon. Giving me space to share my burdens. Showing up on your vacation. Taking me to eat chicken and waffles after my job termination. Driving hours to sit in a big church in a small town to hear a lackluster eulogy. When I need it most, I have been held up profusely by my community.

I am the partner of a poet. She has many credentials and holds many titles, but the very essence of her presence simply exudes the poetic. A friendship forged while we were both trying to master divinity resurfaced years later with a new energy. The beauty of her dreams reminds me of a love supreme. The permission to trust my heart’s yearnings required some unlearning. I had to seek sanctuary in therapy sessions and the silence of spiritual direction. A recovering people pleaser had to become acquainted with rejection, but I emerge a better human that is ever grateful for all the lessons.

My story is ever unfolding. Yet I remember the words in the Christian scriptures attributed to the apostle Paul which simply says “By the grace of God, I am what I am.” I look forward to journeying in this space together.